Washington D.C., February 6, 2025 — In yet another thrilling episode of What Could Possibly Go Wrong When You Give a Billionaire Government Access?, Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has sparked outrage over its attempt to help the U.S. Treasury manage its finances—because obviously, the guy who sells flamethrowers and tweets about Dogecoin at 2 AM is the perfect person to oversee Social Security payments.

DOGE: The ‘Efficiency’ Experiment Nobody Asked For

DOGE, a pet project of the Trump administration (because of course it was), was supposedly created to eliminate bureaucratic waste. In theory, this meant cutting red tape; in reality, it seems to have turned into Musk’s personal sandbox for testing out his latest government disruption fantasies. Naturally, he was put in charge because, as everyone knows, running an electric car company and shooting rockets into space are exactly the same as managing federal payments.

But it turns out even government efficiency czars can’t just waltz into the Treasury and start making financial decisions like they’re adjusting X’s algorithm. Shocking, right?

DOGE’s ‘Read-Only’ Access: Nothing to See Here, Folks

Reports indicate that DOGE was granted read-only access to the Treasury’s payment system, meaning Musk and his brain trust could see, but not change, federal disbursements. It’s sort of like giving a toddler the keys to a Ferrari but reassuring everyone that the engine is off—what could possibly go wrong?

Things escalated when DOGE allegedly tried to stop funds from going to the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), because nothing says “efficient government” like a billionaire deciding which foreign aid programs deserve to exist. When Treasury Secretary David Lebryk politely pointed out that this was, in fact, completely illegal, Musk’s team reportedly suggested that he might be the one breaking the law. Classic move: get caught doing something sketchy, then loudly accuse the other guy of misconduct.

Legal Experts and Lawmakers: “Um, No”

Naturally, legal scholars and politicians across the spectrum responded with the kind of stunned disbelief normally reserved for Musk’s most unhinged tweets.

“The Constitution vests Congress with the power of the purse,” said constitutional scholar Laurence Tribe. “Not a tech bro with a hero complex.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren, never one to miss an opportunity to roast a billionaire, called the situation an “unprecedented and dangerous power grab,” reminding everyone that Musk is, in fact, not an elected official. Meanwhile, Senator Josh Hawley, in an impressive display of cognitive dissonance, suggested that government waste should be cut—but maybe not by handing over the Treasury’s financial dashboard to a guy who named his kid after a CAPTCHA code.

Even some Republicans—who usually love a good deregulation scheme—expressed concern. Senator Mitt Romney cautiously suggested that “government accountability matters,” though he stopped short of saying Musk shouldn’t have been given access in the first place. Baby steps.

Musk’s Response: “Government Bad, Me Smart”

In classic Musk fashion, he took to X (formerly Twitter) to dismiss the entire scandal as “media hysteria” and “government inefficiency fighting back.” Because, obviously, the real problem here isn’t that a private citizen tried to meddle in federal payments—it’s that government employees don’t appreciate his genius.

“Of course bureaucrats are mad,” Musk tweeted. “They don’t want transparency. DOGE is about making government work for the people, not for itself.”

Ah yes, because nothing screams “for the people” like an unelected billionaire peeking at how trillions of taxpayer dollars are spent.

The Lawsuits, The Protests, and the Billionaire Ego Battle

Naturally, this little fiasco has resulted in federal employee unions suing the Treasury, arguing that letting DOGE sniff around government funds is both illegal and just generally a terrible idea. Meanwhile, protests have erupted nationwide, with signs reading “Keep Billionaires Out of Government” and “Stop the DOGE Takeover.” (For once, a DOGE-related controversy that doesn’t involve crypto bros losing money.)

While Musk’s fans—those who would probably let him perform brain surgery on them if he promised it would be “revolutionary”—are defending him online, the rest of the country is left wondering how we got to a point where the world’s richest man thinks he should be in charge of the Treasury’s wallet.

What’s Next? Musk Faces a Harsh Reality Check

Despite the Treasury insisting that nothing was tampered with, Congress is gearing up for hearings to investigate exactly how this happened and—more importantly—how to make sure it never happens again. Representative Jamie Raskin has already called for an immediate suspension of DOGE’s Treasury access, while Musk, no doubt, is already brainstorming his next “government efficiency” venture. (Maybe he’ll try to optimize the Supreme Court next?)

In the meantime, one thing is clear: for all his talk about government inefficiency, Musk has just learned the hard way that in a democracy, you can’t just buy your way into controlling public funds. Turns out, there’s a thing called separation of powers. Who knew?